10/9/08

'Mary Who?'

This is a true story. I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school from Kindergarten through college (I know, and look how well I turned out).

So I know a bit about the Bible. That being said, even if you hadn't gone to Catholic schools your whole life and never stepped foot inside of a church, I'd be willing to wager you'd not say the following.

While cleaning the apartment the other evening, my girlfriend Deb and I started talking--about what I really don't remember. One of us was most likely picking on the other because I do remember saying something like, "Since you're so perfect, cast the first stone..."

Here's the rest of the conversation verbatim, because frankly, how could I forget it?

Deb: What do you mean?
Me: Remember Mary Magdalene?
Deb: Oh yeah. Wait. Was she the one on the L-Word? (a series on Showtime).
Me: Ummm...NO. She did NOT just say that.
Deb: Right. That was Mary Matlin.
Me: She did. No, it wasn't. Mary Matalin is married to James Carville. Are you referring to Marlee Matlin?
Deb: YES! Her.

The more I think about it, I can see why she'd be confused. They really do look alike!



Share your comments at the end of this page.

10/6/08

'Stink Pad'

I know times are tough lately. You can't walk out of your house these days without hearing about another bank buyout, Wall Street plunge or record-high foreclosures.

The financial crisis hit a bit too close to home last week.

During a recent brainstorming session, I met with our station's GM, VP of Programming and various others about the Web site and how to make it better.

Before the meeting started, we did our introductions, set up the projector and laptop and passed notepads around.

We work at 1010 WINS. The notepads said Fresh FM. Fresh FM is in the CBS Radio network and happens to be downstairs.

I then asked (a higher up) why we didn't have WINS pads since we are 1010 WINS. A legitimate question, right?

My response was literally, "You want a WINS pad. Here's a WINS pad."

And this is what was handed back to me.

Fancy, ain't it?

Honestly, I'd hate to see what would've happened if I asked for a pen!


10/1/08

'UPDATE'

For the two or so of you who have been following the sordid saga of my a-hole neighbor, his wife/girlfriend and his dogs (who peed on my comforter--the dogs, not the wife/gf although who knows??), I am happy to report that he left a $20 on my door last night.

With the money was a note on a crinkled up piece of paper that simply said "thanks."

No need for a long, drawn out letter. I was just happy that he kept his word. Although I wonder if he crinkled the paper on purpose--if he was picturing my neck as he squeezed the life out of that innocent piece of former tree?

Who knows? I'm just happy to have gotten my dough.

I have to admit that I was surprised to see the money. I figured he'd keep making excuses until I forgot, moved, died, whichever came first. 

My faith in humanity has been restored. Let's see how long it lasts...

9/29/08

'Armageddon'

We're all screwed. That's pretty much the conclusion I've drawn now that the House has rejected the $700 billion financial bailout bill.

Not that I was versed in all of the ins and outs of the $700 billion plan, but when banks are closing, merging, going under, etc. on a daily basis, any sort of bailout approval might soothe the minds, albeit temporarily, of the American people.

I would jump on the bandwagon and sell the few stocks that I own, but at this point, I think their total worth is less than the price of a trade.

I think I'll invest in a time share.

P.S. I still hate my upstairs neighbor. You know the ball stealing, pathological liar with the houseBREAKING dogs? Remember how he promised to reimburse us for having to clean the comforter that his dogs peed on?

We ran into him yesterday. He said, Hey I buzzed your door to see if you were home.

Us: We were home and heard the buzzer. We buzzed to allow entry.

Liar: Yeah I was going to give you your money.

Us: We're going to be here all day.

At that point he could've, should've given us the money. We're talking $20 here folks.

I bet he handled the books for Lehman Brothers. 

9/25/08

'Oops Happen'

Sorry it's taken a few days to post a new blog. It's been busy lately with the financial crisis and the impending end of the world.

But I do have a follow-up to my pee-stained comforter story.

Two days after the pee incident, we found a note taped to our front door. The note was an explanation/apology for the incident left by my neighbor's girlfriend/wife? (no one is sure which she is).

She wrote that she was sorry for the "wee" incident but that sometimes "oops" happen. She also said the dog is not yet housebroken. You don't say. So train him on a 5th floor terrace! Good thinking. 

Oops happens? Did I mention the fact that the note, written by someone clearly in their 30s and with no children, was written on Winnie the Pooh paper?

Yep. Winnie the Pooh. Not that there is anything wrong with Winnie, but come on!

I'm starting to think the untrained dog is the least of my worries.

9/22/08

'Trickle Down Effect'

OK, if you read this blog, you know that I pretty much hate my neighbors. I am sandwiched between a ball stealing, move furniture all hours of the night liar, and a witch who welcomed me to the building by telling me I walk like an elephant.

Since we do have paper thin floors, we all have to learn to deal.

But what happened this Saturday is just plain unacceptable.

My comforter needed to be cleaned so I took it to the laundromat. I spent a good part of my morning there -- going back, adding more money to the machine to make sure it was dry, etc.

On my last trip back to the laundromat, the comforter was almost dry so I took it home. It was such a beautiful day so I figured I would drape it over my terrace and let it air dry. Plus, I love the smell of clothes that have been dried outside, how they smell so fresh...

HARDLY.

When we went to check the comforter an hour or so later, we noticed that it was almost dry except for a huge wet spot in the middle. What the hell was that? Upon closer inspection, the wet spot wreaked like urine.

Dog pee??? Yep. My upstairs neighbor apprently lets his dogs pee over his terrace. It's not a great picture, but the huge dark spot is the pee.


You have NO IDEA how infuriated I was. Not only did I waste time and money cleaning my comforter, but the fact that my neighbor's dogs have been peeing down onto my terrace for God knows how long now is disturbing on so many levels.

We ran upstairs with comforter in tow to address my neighbor. He was out of town, (how convenient),  but his roommate gave us his number.

We called and he apologized and said he'd pay to have it cleaned again.
He also said he was unaware that the dogs were peeing off of the terrace.

Yeah right. We went onto our terrace and snapped this picture. Notice all of the stains -- those are most likely urine. Someone is peeing off of that terrace.

I went back to my place and began to scrub my terrace all the while cursing my neighbors and anything/anyone else in the world for a good 10 minutes.

And then I went inside and took my nasty comforter BACK to the laundromat--not a bid deal since king size pee-soaked comforters are not at all awkward to carry.

It will be ready Wednesday. Not that I even want it anymore.

On the bright side: Vern the cat will have a clean comfy bed by mid week.

I hate people.

9/17/08

'Hot Seat'

I found the best seat on the bus yesterday. 

At first I wondered why everyone walked by this seat until I saw that there was a  cushion missing.

But there was a perfectly good cushion right next to the broken seat, so why were people choosing to stand?
 
Maybe others thought, "Since this seat is broken, perhaps there is something wrong with the other one."

I, however, saw the missing seat cushion and immediately thought, "How perfect! No one will sit next to me!

You know what they say: One (wo)man's junk is another (wo)man's treasure.

9/15/08

'One Stop Shopping'

This is a little too close for comfort.

If you can't tell from the picture, a funeral home is right across the street from Hoboken University Hospital.

Picture this: You're sick and in the hospital. But one day you muster up all of your energy to get out of bed. So what do you do? 

You decide to look out your window -- you know -- for a much needed change of scenery, or perhaps to lift your spirits.

And BAM what do you see? A funeral home practically inches away!

Although, I guess it's convenient if you're not going to make it. And look at it this way, your loved ones will save on gas!

9/11/08

'Seven Years Ago Today...'

The world changed forever. On a cloudless Tuesday morning, terrorists cowards hijacked planes and flew them into the World Trade Center towers.

Nearly 3,000 people needlessly died on Sept. 11, 2001. And today, we remember each and every one of them.

And we thank God, the Universe -- whom or whatever we choose to thank -- for still being here.

I remember that day as if it was yesterday. I was living in Mass. at the time, and my alarm clock went off. I remember hearing "A plane crashed" 

I immediately thought Oh No...

"into the World Trade Center in NYC"

I immediately thought Oh Shit...

I turned on the news and watched in horror like everyone else. The only people I knew and loved that lived near Manhattan were my cousins. My cousin Jaime, who now lives in LA, worked in the city at the time.

We were all concerned, but knowing that she didn't work near the towers offered some comfort.

The other thing I remember about that day: The conversation I had with my grandmother.  It went something like this:

"Are you OK, Billie?"
"Yes, Nan. Are You?"
"I don't know what's happening to this world. I really don't."
"I don't know either, Nan. Has anyone talked to Jaime?"
"Yes. Your Aunt did. Jaime's fine, but really scared. Auntie said she (Jaime) saw the planes fly into the building."
"She did?"
I thought that was a stretch, but given the fact that she was in Hoboken at the time, it was possible. But something told me it wasn't entirely true.
"Yeah. Auntie said that she saw the planes hit the buildings right from her apartment."
"Wow."

We hung up and I immediately called my cousin.

"Hey Jaim."
"Hey!"
"Are You OK?"
"Yeah but it's crazy here. No one knows what's going on."
"I bet. Nana said you're pretty shaken up and that you saw the planes go into the towers --right from your apartment."
"What?? No I didn't. I saw them on TV like everyone else."

I knew it!

We then laughed, and then cried, and then laughed.

Even on a day as terrible as 9/11, my family managed to do what they do best: Exaggerate the hell out of a story.

All kidding aside, I realized that day just how lucky I was to have the family that I do--whether they tell tall tales or not.


9/10/08

'Doggler 4000'

Meteorologists use fancy-schmancy Doppler Radar to predict and track storms. Many times it is very accurate, and well, you know, many times it is not.

I have a foolproof and inexpensive way to predict storms. In fact, it's been 100% accurate so far.

It's my dog Nick.

I found him sitting behind the toilet yesterday morning. (For some reason, he feels safe behind the bowl).

And sure enough, 20 minutes later, thunder, lighting and pouring rain hit the area.

He's been right on the entire summer.

If only I could get him to do this with lottery drawings!


9/8/08

'Still Crazy after All These Years'

My grandparents celebrated their 67th wedding anniversary on Saturday. 

They've been together longer than many of us have been alive, and they are still in love with each other.

In fact, during breakfast Saturday morning, my grandfather looked at my grandmother and said, "I wish it was 67 years ago so we'd be going on our honeymoon again."

To which she responded, "You're nuts. Eat your eggs."

Being together for nearly seven decades, they've certainly weathered many storms -- including Tropical Storm Hanna -- which battered Connecticut with heavy rains Saturday night.

Despite the crappy weather, we had a great time celebrating their anniversary.
 
When it was time to go, Nana, always the prepared one, whipped her "babushka" out of her purse to protect her perm from the rain.

If my grandmother got caught in the middle of Hurricane Katrina, I guarantee she'd have two things with her: Her babushka and a rolled up tissue in her sleeve.

When I took her picture Saturday night, she made me swear I wouldn't post it on my blog.

Does it count that I waited until after 6?

Happy Anniversary Nana and Pop! You're an inspiration  -- babushka and all!

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9/4/08
'Baby Fat'

The times they are a changin.'

I took a few days off this week and headed to Mystic, Connecticut. If you've never been, I'd suggest making the trip. It is a very quaint, seaside town where the movie "Mystic Pizza" was filmed.

While walking through town one evening, we walked by a toy store.

In the display window were the usual suspects: A motorized car, stuffed animals, dolls and a treadmill.

Treadmill? I know there is a problem with childhood obesity in this country, but can you imagine being the overweight kid who gets a treadmill for his/her birthday?

Or worse, for Christmas!

Look what Santa brought you Joey. A treadmill!

A what?

Now you can work out and be thin just like the other boys and girls in your school.

Note: A box of prepaid therapy sessions come with the treadmill (to be opened years later).

8/29/08

'VP Fey'

Where is Tina Fey when we need her?

John McCain announced his running mate today--Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin (right).

Who you ask? I know, most of us have been asking that question all day. It doesn't matter if you've never heard of her. Just know this: If McCain gets elected and kicks the bucket -- highly unlikely given his age and clean bill of health -- she's our next PRESIDENT.

If only Tina were still at SNL, she'd have a field day with this one!

Personally, I'd vote for Fey as McCain's running mate. At least  she'd bring some humor to the Oval Office.

Not that Bush isn't a joke...

8/26/08

'Say What?'

I played a new game this weekend. It was called "Find the hearing aid."

During a visit with my family Saturday night, all hell broke loose at around 10 p.m. That's when my grandfather was getting ready to go to bed and realized he lost one of his hearing aids.

It was imperative that he find it so he could place it next to the other hearing aid on his dresser. (Do you see the irony here?)

After searching under his recliner, pillows, tables, oversized remote controls, the bed, I decided it was time to state the obvious: THIS WAS A WASTE OF TIME!

His hearing aids are completely useless. Seriously, it made about as much sense as searching for a pair of Stevie Wonder's sunglasses. 

Looking back on the search, I can't decide what made me shake my head most: The accusations of who might have taken the missing hearing aid, or my 88-year-old grandmother doing her best Xena Warrior Princess impersonation by lifting the recliner with one hand while looking beneath it (swear to God she did).

Here were the possible culprits:

The young son of my aunt's friends who happened to be visiting earlier.

Maybe. Move over Wii, you know how kids LOVE old hearing aids.

The dog. Perhaps. Nick may have mistaken the hearing aid for a chew toy. Since it didn't "reappear" the next morning during Nick's walk, that pretty much rules him out.

My grandmother. That's who I'm betting on! In fact, I think I overheard her making plans to turn it into a necklace.

In all seriousness, we never did find pop's hearing aid, and to him it is a huge deal. I felt bad for him, but despite my best efforts, I couldn't produce his missing hearing device, a.k.a. "This Goddamned ringing thing."

So if you happen to see a hearing aid that looks like this, please call your local authorities. All calls will remain confidential.

8/22/08

'In the Closet'

They say the grass is always greener (on the other side of the fence).

Most times it is not.

For example. I've written about the nearly squalid working conditions here at 1010 WINS -- from the dilapidated, (once) toasterless kitchen and filthy bathrooms, to the sub-zero temps in the newsroom.  

I thought to myself on several occasions, "Other peoplemust have much more modern and pleasant work environments."

Well, not exactly. My (Web) peers at Fresh102.7.com have been moved from an office, to a supply closet.

Yes, a closet. Instead of sitting next to actual people, Andrew and Alexis now share space with boxes, Fresh FM "schwag" and various office supplies. 

They are completely alone.

No people
No phones ringing off the hook
No TVs simultaneously transmitting a zillion different channels
No screaming and yelling before, during and after breaking news
No incessant fax machine busy signals
No punching, kicking and swearing at copy machines, fax machines, phones, printers, reporters
No foul odors from a variety of sources.

On second thought...

8/19/08

'Only in America'

My 11-year-old niece came to visit this past weekend, so we took her to see the sights of New York City.

Her tour included the "must see" spots: The Empire State Building, Times Square and the American Girl Doll Place.

What a racket that is! "Emily" cost her $90.00. "Emily's" clothes and hair brush (which looks just like Nick's dog brush only stamped with American Girl), cost another $35.

I swear it's probably cheaper to adopt a real baby in other countries.

Our tour of the Big Apple concluded with a ferry boat ride to the Statue of Liberty and Liberty State Park.

I have to admit it felt kind of weird being smack dab in the middle of all of the tourists when I happen to live in New Jersey but I was a good sport, and it was cool seeing Lady Liberty up close and personal.

After purchasing an overpriced pretzel and lemonade, I made my way back to my seat. I started to look around at all of the people representing so many different countries, and I thought "How appropriate given the fact that we were heading to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty."

I then started to think about some of my relatives who came here from Italy forever ago and said to myself, It's a good thing my grandparents were born here, because believe me, if they had to get on a boat to Ellis Island, they never would've made it to the states!

Here's how I imagine their trip would've gone down:

"What do you mean we gotta get on that boat? You mean THAT little boat is gonna carry us and all of these people ALL the way to New York? 

We're never gonna fit. And what are we gonna eat?

You're ALL NUTS. You can keep New York as far as I'm concerned."

But I digress. So back to my ferry ride on Sunday. While looking around, I couldn't help but notice an Indian woman sitting across from us.

She was dressed in a sari--traditional Indian garb -- and I thought she must be hot in that outfit, but good for her. Traditions are traditions, right?

Well, not exactly. I wonder if Gandhi wore New Balance sneakers while spreading his message of peace around the world?

Post your comments at bottom of this page!

8/14/08

'Secret Recipe'

I am glad that my blog falls under the category "Can't Make This Stuff Up" because some days I really can't!

For instance, take today's story: Famed Chef Julia Child Was a Spy.

The headline says it all doesn't it? Well, in case you're curious, here is the gist:

Details about Child's background and nearly 24,000 other OSS (Office of Strategic Services, a World War II-era spy agency) employees are revealed in the newly released documents, withheld from public view as classified records for decades by the CIA.

Julia Child was a spy? It's just so wrong!

"OK thank you for the classified information. Now I have to kill you. Bon Appetite"

A few months ago, Rachael Ray was accused of being a terrorist sympathizer. Remember that?

Well, just in case you don't, here's a quick refresher: Dunkin’ Donuts has pulled an online advertisement featuring Rachael Ray after complaints that a fringed black-and-white scarf that the celebrity chef wore in the ad offers symbolic support for Muslim extremism and terrorism.

Rachael Ray a terrorist sympathizer? The woman who refers to a sandwich as a sammy and everything else as yummo?

What's next? Paula Deen is a serial killer?

I can just hear the transcripts of how she lured her victims to their impending doom:

"C'mon over here y'all. I've got some country fried steak to DIE for!"

I need to get out of news...


8/11/08

'Gut Check'

I, like many others, have certain fears: Plane crashes, snakes, terror attacks.

But none as big as this: Seeing myself on television and/or in print as the anonymous "fat person."

You know what I'm talking about. You're watching the news and suddenly a report on "obesity rates on the rise" or something like that comes on the screen along with footage of overweight people.

The footage usually focuses on their stomaches and not their faces, but still, I can't help but wonder if the person watching the news that evening recognizes themselves.

Or worse, if a friend or relative does. "Hey Joe. Was that your belly on the 11 p.m. news last night?" I swear I'd recognize that Budweiser T-shirt anywhere!"

For instance, imagine being this poor guy.

While looking for a stock photo for the Web site today, I came across the following photo and caption: 

Healthy obesity: An overweight man walks in Washington in this 2003 file photo. A new study suggests that a surprising number of overweight people -- about half -- have normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels, while an equally startling number of trim people suffer from some of the ills associated with obesity.

Now although that may be good news for obese people, it's not for this guy -- who I would not even consider obese (I'll save that for another blog).

I wonder how many news Web sites (in addition to mine) and TV stations are using the picture of this guy's gut to accompany the healthy obesity story?

So, if you're reading this, I'd like to be the first to say: Sorry anonymous fat dude.

8/7/08

'Infrequent Flier'

While sitting on the PATH train yesterday, I happened to see an ad for a NY college. I cannot remember the name of the school, but on the poster was a picture of a graduate named Dennis.
 
Dennis was wearing a blue uniform and smiling.

The following info. was next to Dennis' picture (sorry I was unable to get a picture of him).

Dennis K.
Degree: Associate in Science, 2006
Course of Study: Business
Position: Pilot, Commercial Airline.

 He's a Pilot?

Ummm....maybe it's me, but shouldn't AVIATION be in there somewhere??

I know the airlines are hurting, but this is too much.

My friend Meghan has a degree in MIS and Business, and there is no way I'd want her flying a plane!

8/4/08

'Foul Ball'

Let's file this one under "Are You Kidding Me?"

While waiting for company Sunday afternoon, Nick and I got into a game of fetch. See, I'm not sure if you know this about my dog, but to say he is obsessed with playing fetch is an understatement.

He has one really loud, obnoxious squeaky ball that we only let him play with for a few minutes because it is super annoying.

To take a break from fetch, and to get some fresh air, I opened the doors to my terrace. Nick ran out and took the ball with him.
 
He then (intentionally) plopped it through one of the railings. It fell four stories to the pavement below.

It became apparent fairly quickly that Nick wouldn't stop barking until I got the ball.

I brought him back in the house, tried to divert his attention away from the missing toy, but to no avail.

About 15 minutes later, Nick and I went to retrieve the ball.

Well, when we got to the parking area, the ball was gone! Yes, gone. I couldn't believe it.

The dog was looking everywhere--as was I--you know because maybe we were both unable to spot a neon pink squeaky ball in the small, dark cemented area outside of the garage.

It was gone. Period.

I developed some theories as to what may have happened. One of my neighbors picked it up and threw it away.

One of my neighbors took the ball, not knowing who it belonged to, and would bring it door to door in a Cinderella-like fashion.

Then it hit me. The garage door was open. There is one person in my building who works on his motorcycle and leaves the door open. This same person also happens to own a pug.

Hmmm....

But since he lives above me, and given the proximity of my balcony to the spot where it fell, he must know it's Nick's right? 

By now he probably has returned the ball.

Nope.

Ok, now I was starting to get pissed. This is my dog's toy, damn it.

I marched up the stairs and knocked on "Joe's" door. No answer.

I waited another minute and knocked again. And then I saw an eye look at me through the peephole.

He opened the door and there it was -- the pink ball smack dab in the middle of his floor, being batted around by a pug and a French bulldog!!

WHAT???

Me: Hi Joe. I came to get that ball. It's my dog's.
Joe: Oh yes, I figured it was yours. We tried throwing it back up to your terrace and missed.
LIAR
Me: Yeah, well he's been barking for the past 20 minutes--it's his favorite toy.
Joe: Well, I took it knowing I'd see you again and return it to you, his face now three shades of red.
LIAR!!
Me: OK, whatever. See you later.

What a loser! Who would steal a dog toy from their neighbor and then not have the brains to move it when the person who you stole it from is standing right outside your door??

And did he really think I believed him when he said "I knew I'd run into you and return it to you?" Umm..was he planning on carrying around a pink squeaky ball until ran into me again?

Imagine using that lame line in other scenarios: "You see officer, I took the sack of money from the bank figuring I'd run into you and give it back to you later."

As my Uncle Bruce always says, "Man. I tell ya. People are freakin' a-holes."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

7/29/08

'Sticks and Stones'

I have a fan. His name is Tom, although I doubt that's his real name. "Tom" takes the time to send user feedback to the Web site just about every day. And every day he pretty much complains about the same thing: My face.

"Tom" isn't very creative. And he isn't very brave. He is one of the few people who sends his feedback anonymously. Although I find that to be the case with most cowards--they're brave when they can hide behind a screen, mask, etc.

Here is a sample of some of "Tom's" emails:

Sent today: Type your message or news tip for 1010 WINS here:
Answer: can't make this up thanx for replacing one animal picture for another but why have any animal picture?
*I swapped my picture with that of my dog to solicit user-generated photos.

Sent Saturday: Question: Type your message or news tip for 1010 WINS here:
Answer: no rest for the weary? even on the week-end I've got to see that ugly guy in order to check can't make this up
OK, I think Can't Make This Up stories are funny too, but seriously, get a life...

Sent Friday: Question: Type your message or news tip for 1010 WINS here:
Answer: PLEASE !!!!!!! black out one tooth from that guy on can't make this up - at least get some humor out of that goofy pic.

Sent Tuesday: Question: Type your message or news tip for 1010 WINS here:
Answer: DAMN!!!!!!! Now that goofy guy on can'e make this up is joined by that gal on 1010 WINS news watch - this means that ugly guy will remain - yuk!!!!!!
*That day he had a problem with the photo next to Judy DeAngelis' podcast.

Sent Monday: Question: Type your message or news tip for 1010 WINS here:
Answer: the lady in newswatch and the guy in can't make this up - why?

OK, you get the picture.

So here's what I'm hoping will happen: Tom or whomever he/she is has the you-know-whats to send me a photo of himself so I can post it here. I mean, he must be a looker if he's always calling others (OK mostly me) goofy looking, right?

So "Tom" please send your photo to ... well, you know the address.

7/28/08

'Dog Nap'

Here's how I found my dog Nick this morning.

Looks like Nick does Mondays as well as I do!








7/25/08

'Hair Today Gone Tomorrow'

I received the phone call last night that no woman one ever wants wants to get: My hairdresser Jason called to tell me that he is no longer going to be working at my salon.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

He said that he is taking a leave of absence and that he wanted to let me know.

I listened to the message a few times just to make sure I heard him correctly.

Jason has been cutting and coloring my hair for nearly three years. I like how he does my hair, he's reasonably priced and he's a nice guy. He's also quiet. 

See, I like chatting with people but not while I'm getting my hair cut. I prefer to read or just look at myself in the mirror while thinking, "Should I wear my hair to that side? Boy I need to wax, go to the gym, get some sleep..."

After I hung up the phone (in disbelief) I took a stroll down bad haircut memory lane.

I remembered the time that I went to a woman who used Reynold's Wrap for the foils when coloring my hair. OK, it probably works as well as salon foils, but when you're paying alot of money for highlights, appearances are important.

Or the time I decided to go short and ended up looking like I had a button mushroom on top of my head. I'm not kidding--I will find a picture, but the one to the left is a fairly accurate depiction.

And then there was Nick, the stylist who tightly rolled his towel and then would slap the back of my head with it (May GOD strike me dead if I am lying). I swear I felt like I was in a locker room.

I looked around the salon and didn't see anyone else doing this. When I asked him why he was assaulting me, he replied, "It helps your hair dry faster."

Ummm...so does a hair dryer.

And who can forget the time I got a perm (many, many, many years ago) and the stylist forgot about me. Needless to say I looked like Luke Spencer from General Hospital.

Oh there are just way too many horror stories to list.

I have a feeling I'll be wearing a baseball hat to the office A LOT in the near future.

7/22/08

'Still Cool'

My grandmother will soon celebrate the 68th anniversary of her 21st birthday, and she is still going strong!

Nana, as everyone calls her, has glaucoma. I recently snapped this picture of her wearing her "glaucoma shades."

Come to find out, Nana's a trendsetter without even trying!

Seems big sunglasses (as ridiculous as I think they look) are still in -- especially in Tinsel Town. I found this picture of Paris Hilton (who does not have glaucoma as far as I know, unless glaucoma has been declared a new STD) wearing her big shades.


So, who wore  them better? Nana or Paris? You decide!

7/18/08

'Nuts'

OK, is it me or is this just plain creepy?

While walking home last night, I came across a giant squirrel planted on the front lawn of someone's home.

At first I thought it was a ride for the kids who must live in the house, but a closer look revealed that it was not a ride, but was in fact, the mother of all rodents adorning a lawn the size of a postage stamp.

And the poor squirrel looks totally freaked out -- like it's begging for food while part of a carousel seat is stuck to its ass.

I think someone smoked a bit too many of those "ferns." 

7/17/08

'For the Boys'

Here's one for you, guys.

In a few of my past blogs, I picked on men who sat with their legs spread far apart on the bus, train, etc. I wrote about how rude and unnecessary it was for men to take up so much seat space where space is so limited.

Well, this picture was sent to me yesterday from a blog reader who also happens to commute daily via public transportation.

Here's the text she sent along with the photo: It's not only men who sit w/ their legs wide open on the bus anymore! (Left-me, Right-her!)

Here's what I have to say to this rude passenger: Chica, there certainly is no need for you to sit this way!  Do you see how squished the poor girl is sitting next to you?

Then I thought, "Is this a way to get back at men who've been spreading their legs and hogging seat space for years? Part of a new women's lib movement -- the bra burning of the 21st Century perhaps?"

Who knows? What I do know is that my grandmother is turning over in her chair (she's still alive) at how "unladylike" this woman is.

Thanks for sharing the photo! Feel free to send your photos to Webstaff@wins.com.

7/14/08

'Grace Under Fire'

My mother always says she wishes she had named me Grace. Not because she likes the name Grace (although I have a feeling if I was named Grace and not BILLIE JO, I would have avoided countless teasing and fistfights in grade school), but because I am such a klutz.

I really am...

I can be described as a living, breathing pinball. When I walk, I often bang into walls, chairs, furniture, people-- I have the bruises to prove it.

I break things, cut myself often (see Ouch), drive into things (see Drive Through Banking blog) -- you get the picture.

Now normally it's only me that's affected by my two left feet and apparent lack of equilibrium.

Normally...

I went to a Melissa Etheridge concert in Western Mass on Friday night. I wouldn't normally schlep all the way to Massachusetts to see a concert, but I once lived up there and thought it would be great to see a show and visit with some friends at the same time.

It was a great show-good weather, good beer and good friends at a small, outdoor venue.

I had great seats, but part of the fun of any show is rushing the stage at the end of the concert.

Melissa had just started her last encore when we ran toward the front. We made it to the second row. Since everyone was standing and having a great time, we stood on two empty chairs to get a better view.

Every artist has a song that brings the house down, and for Melissa Etheridge it's "Like the Way I Do."

As her intro and "thanks for comings" started to wind down, the band launched into her signature song. The crowd went wild.

I did the typical fan WOO HOO yell and threw my fist up into the air to rock on with everyone else.

'Cept this fist "rock on" felt a little different.

As I turned around I noticed a woman standing below me rubbing her face -- her eyeglasses were completely lopsided and hanging from the bridge of her nose.

In my encore zeal, I punched her in the face!

Seriously. Clocked her right between the eyes, apparently.

"Oh My God. Are you OK?," I asked feeling bad, embarrassed, ridiculously clutsy--you name it.

"Yes. I think so."

"Are you sure? Are your glasses broken?" As I asked this I slipped on my chair and grabbed onto the top of her head for support.

"I'm fine. Really." She probably just wanted me to get as far the hell away from her as I could.

"OK. Well, I am really, really sorry."

"OK"

It then hit me: How the hell did I punch her in the face when she was standing behind me? (That and I am way too old to be rushing stages and standing on chairs at concerts!)

Anyway, she was OK and I managed to catch the tail end of the song so I guess it all ended well.

Until, of course, I see myself on YouTube...


7/8/08

'It's The Thought That Counts'

Today is my second day back from vacation, but it seems like I'd never left.

At around 9:34 this morning, I got a text message from co-worker Marta.

Actually, it was a picture message.  It was a picture of the beach with text that said good morning.

Marta said she'd gotten up early this morning and decided to take a walk to the beach. While there she said she thought it would be nice to send me a picture of the beach so I'd feel as if I was still on vacation.

Not quite.

Well, maybe if I had been vacationing at the Finger Lakes...

Marta is a photography buff and has mentioned wanting to be the official 1010wins.com photographer.

What do you think Marta's first assignment should be? Let me know below!

7/7/08

'Ahhh Vacation'

I'm back from a week at the beach. It was so nice to get away, but you know when you get back you feel like you need a vacation from your vacation?

I will blog more about my trip tomorrow, but I do have to share with you one of the highlights from my trip.

While having lunch on the boardwalk one afternoon, a woman sat behind us. 

Waitress: Ma'am what can I get for you today?

Customer: I'll have a chili dog. But hold the chili.

Waitress: A chili dog with no chili?

Customer: Yes. Thank you.

I wanted to turn around and say are you kidding me? Just order a damn hot dog! But I didn't because I was on vacation and I was relaxing...

It reminded me of the time I was in college and a bunch of my friends and I went to brunch. When it was time for my friend Johanna to place a drink order she said to the waitress, "I will have a virgin mimosa."
(swear to God it's true)

Waitress: So you'd like a glass of orange juice?

Johanna: Yes. Thank you.

More tomorrow...


6/27/08

'Outta Here'

I am officially on vacation! Woo Hoo.

I will have a break from the hustle and bustle for a full week -- which means no public transportation.

I'm not sure if I'll freak out on slow tourists, walk by dog poo outlined in chalk, or if I'll get shoved by anyone next week, but I'm sure I'll find myself in some interesting situations.

I told Marta she can be guest blogger in my absence. She laughed, until I told her she'd be fired if she didn't.

P.S. she's wearing the jeans AGAIN today.

For those of you who enjoy reading this blog, I'll try to post an update or two. Although I'm not sure if I'll have Internet access (or so I've told the boss).

For those of you who hate the blog...your hearts are broken, I know.

Have a great week everybody!

6/26/08

'Sidewalk Talk'

Months ago I blogged about someone not picking up after their dog defecated in front of my stoop. I was so mad I snapped a picture of it.

Many asked me why I bothered taking a picture of dog poop. I took it, not only because of this blog, but because it made me feel like I'd have some sort of proof if I ever needed it. You know, what if I was ever subpoenaed to poo court.

Anyway, on my walk home yesterday I came across writing on the sidewalk. A person was so angry about dog poop they wrote an angry note and drew a border around it with pink and green chalk!

A poop hopscotch if you will.

Of course I stopped to snap a picture.

I had to laugh. Someone must've been so pissed that they ran inside and grabbed their chalk--all to outline poop.

And you know they were talking to themselves when they drew this: "This is rude and disgusting...PLEASE clean up after your dog exclamation mark, exclamation mark..."

It's kind of pretty (the chalk that is). But did they know it was going to rain today?

Share Your Comments Below


6/24/2008

'Drive Through Banking'

I don't drive much anymore. I don't need to since I commute to and from NYC via public transportation.

However, there are occasions when I visit family and friends in Connecticut and need a car.

Like this past Saturday.

My grandmother was getting her hair done at the "beauty parlor" and needed a ride home.

On my way to get her, I decided to stop at the local Wachovia Bank. I was going to park my SUV, run in, get cash and leave.

As I was pulling in front of the bank, I hear a loud C-R-U-N-C-H. You know that awful sound of metal scraping against metal?

Somehow while I was about to park  I managed to swipe the left front bumper of a truck that was also parked in front of the bank.

"OH SH*T."

I got out of my truck to inspect the damage--hoping that maybe that loud crunch was a nifty feature of my 2000 Isuzu Trooper. Troopers are known for having great acoustics, aren't they?

They're not. And I smashed the crap out of the bumper.

If that wasn't bad enough, the truck had two flags on both sides of the hood.

Not American or Italian flags.

Not Irish or Polish flags.

Instead, flags that read FUNERAL.

OK, not only did I hit a vehicle, but I hit the truck of a person who happened to be inside the church next door attending a funeral!

GREAT.

I walked over to the police officer who happened to be parked on the street and asked him to fill out an accident report. 

He was pretty apathetic but he filled out the report, nonetheless.

The cop knew exactly who the truck belonged to and said go inside and get "Jimmy."

Inside the church?

Yes.

You mean go into the church, look for "Jimmy" and ask him to leave the funeral?

Yeah. He's probably just getting coffee ready for everyone now. Or ask that woman. She's with the funeral too.

Was everyone part of this funeral? I can't just hit a friggin' car, I have to hit a car that's part of a funeral procession.

Anyway, the woman went inside the church and got Jimmy who came out a minute later with a "I know this isn't going to be good" look on his face.

"I have no idea how this happened. I am so sorry."

"This car has only 2,000 miles on it."

"Sorry. It is really nice."

Silence.

He then said something along the lines of sh*t happens and what can you do?

Maybe coming from a funeral helped him see just how trivial things like bumper dents were??

We exchanged info, he went back into the church and I picked my freshly coiffed, smiling grandmother up from the salon.

It made me realize just how lucky I was.

6/20/08

'Seeing Double'

My co-worker Marta and I have the same jeans.  In all fairness she bought them first.

However, we made a pact that we'd text each other to see if the other was planning on wearing said jeans to work.

Case in point: Marta texted me on Wednesday and said she was going to wear the jeans.

So I didn't.

Today is Friday. I decided to wear the jeans to work today but did not text Marta figuring I was safe. She just wore the jeans two days ago and what were the chances of her wearing them again so soon?

Yep. We're wearing the same jeans today. I may have broken the text rule, but really, she just wore them on WEDNESDAY!

To make light of how ridiculous we look, we thought we'd do a spin on US Magazine's "Who Wore It Better" and let you vote.

Personally, I think we look like Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger in Twins.

But you decide. Who looks better in the jeans? Let us know.